“Vince the Verbal Punching Bag”: the Goofy One

Alcohol tolerance: 11/10 It has to be to tolerate the amount of shade you and your boys throw his way.

Fun: 9/10

Responsibility: 2/10 Chances are this guy’s tried to get toast out of a toaster with silverware.

Intelligence: NA He’s not dumb; he just finds a way to do dumb things. It’s actually kind of impressive in a weird way

Best Venue: A bar

Do not take: To a strip club. This guy will probably claim that the one stripper named Cinnamon “was really into him.”

Intangible: He’s the ad hoc entertainment for the night. Don’t rip on him too badly though. He’s a genuinely great guy, despite his rather childlike tendencies.

Drink of choice: Light beer in life-threatening quantities to help forget some of the more odious burns you’ve slung at him.

“Fun Fact Fred”: the Nerdy One

Alcohol tolerance: 5/10. He’s a total dork at heart and that’s just going to get exacerbated by alcohol.

Fun: 3/10 Do you think random factoids about the etymology of ‘gin’, Danish astronomers, and Civil War surgery are fun? If not, then you’re in for a long night hanging out with Encyclopedia Brown.

Responsibility: 8/10

Intelligence: 9/10 Only in certain ways though. Don’t ask him to try and unlock a combo lock. (unless you need a laugh.)

Best Venue: a distillery. I can hear the lecture now on how bourbon is named after the family that ruled France between 1589 and 1792. You’ll nod politely, but you’ll really be thinking, “Just shut up and drink your damn whiskey sour.”

Do not take: To a strip club. He’ll be beyond awkward and last I heard, strippers get weirded out when clients try to talk to them about Marie Curie and the discovery of radium.

Intangible: You’ll learn something hanging out him, that’s for sure. I don’t know if that’s a good thing though.

Drink of choice: Something really pretentious. Maybe a classic and obscure cocktail like an Aviation or a really expensive single-malt scotch he pretends to like.

“Sarcastic Sal:” the Funny One

Alcohol tolerance: 3/10

Fun: 9/10

Responsibility: 4/10

Intelligence : 8/10 He’s too sharp-tongued and quick-witted for you and your friends. He’ll dance scathing and comedic circles around anyone who dares to go up against his deadpan sense of humor. The Verbal Punching Bag of your friend group should prepare himself for a rough night.

Best Venue: Any establishment where his sharp wit can shine.

Do not take: To any club or cacaphonic bar. No loud music or pulsating dance floors. You’re going to want to hear his verbal daggers hit their mark.

Intangible: Buckle up. He’s merciless.

Drink of choice: The tears of his victims after he shatters their self-esteem beyond repair.