Bachelor parties…what are they good for? Well, your bachelor party is good for reconnecting with old friends, having a ball, blowing off steam, and questioning how you survived college, to name but a few. But in order to reap these benefits, you’ll need a crack team. Moreover, you’ll need an A team to ride into battle with. Every one of these guys fulfills a niche need. For your convenience, we’ve assigned them each crucial stats for you to quantify their contributions to your bachelor party cabal. This list also lets you analyze your comrades and plan your party accordingly. Treat these characters like Pokemon characters: catch them all, assemble your team and head to “insert destination here.” Bottoms up.
“Barfly” Brian: the fun one
Alcohol Tolerance: 9/10
‘Herculean’ is the only adjective that does it justice. His favorite wine is brandy, but he doesn’t have brandy, so whiskey it is. His favorite beer is free, followed by cold.
He was made for bachelor parties. He has an innate ability to sniff out a good bar, has an in at a local casino and has a mental Rollodex filled with distillery recommendations. He’s a natural at conversing with girls and can create atmosphere at the drop of a hat. You’ve seen him shut down countless dive bars and rock innumerable karaoke joints. He’s in.
If forming a bachelor party team was the NBA draft, this guy is the lottery pick.He didn’t get that honor through nights of going to bed at 9 and electing for water over Demon Rum. He’s as responsible as Nixon was honest.
While that’s not ideal, the really troubling aspect of this dipsomanic daredevil is how he can coax everyone in your group into poor decisions. Seriously, this dude can sing a Siren song over you and your buddies. Otherwise temperate and reserved men will be lining up flaming shots in less-than-reputable establishments at his cajoling in no time. If he’s the groom or best man, God help you. You’re probably going to make the news and not in a good way.
This guy could have graduated from the top of his class from an Ivy-League law school. It’s all irrelevant. He’ll still have the IQ of a Neanderthal the second he gets around hard liquor, pretty women, and good music.
Best Venue: traditional bachelor parties
Do not take: wine-tasting, camping or to a casual poker night. This guy does not do casual. If he’s involved in your bachelor party, you’re going to a bar. End of discussion. If he’s the groom, you’re going to Vegas, come Hell or High Water.
Intangible: This guy will either be the reason this party is memorable or the reason the groom spent a night in prison.
Drink of choice: tequila, preferably taken as a body shot.
“Damn it, guys,” Dan: the self-appointed dad.
Alcohol tolerance: 6/10
He’s no lightweight, but he’s not winning any awards. He’s the friend who always comes out with your gang of reprobates, but he’s no party animal.
Pretty middling, but a still enjoyable person.
This is where this character shines. His sole purpose come the night of the party is to make sure that no one does anything TOO stupid. He’s almost certainly the DD, or at the very least he made sure that this city has Uber. He’s also probably the best man. You’ll rib on him for being a surrogate dad, but you secretly thank the bachelor party gods that he’s as put together as he is. Goodness knows you aren’t.
Well, he elected to hang out with ambulatory disasters like you and your boys, so he can’t be that smart.
Intangible: This guy will be cleaning up your messes all night. Make it easy for him
Do not take: to a strip club. He’ll just feel awkward the whole time.
Best Venue: this guy is surprisingly resilient. He’ll complain about your shenanigans, but he secretly loves the high jinks of hanging out with you degenerates. He’ll cringe when the barfly of the group suggests Jaeger bombs, but he’ll go along.
Drink of choice: craft beer
“Two-Shot Stan”: the lightweight
Alcohol tolerance: 2/10
This guy probably majored in the sciences in college and was never a really outgoing person. He has since moved onto a steady relationship, a high-paying job, and an altogether responsible life. As a result of how little time he has to socialize, his alcohol tolerance is through the floor. Like 3 Mike Hard’s through the floor.
One drink and he throws his filter out the window. That’s entertaining enough. He probably has a snarky sense of humor too and will start taking that out on everyone in the group. The verbal punching bag of the crew better get ready for a rough night.
He’ll say dumb stuff, but he won’t doing anything illegal while out with your group.
Intelligence: range between 4 and 8. Depends on how much of that margarita is left.
Best Venue: Any bachelor party that involves drinking, but not too much
Worst at: don’t take this guy on a bar crawl. It’ll just end badly.
Drink of choice: something really fruity, but he’ll still be hammered after two.
Intangible: Do not over serve this guy. He is not used to pumping this much poison into his body. Three or four beers might be a relaxed night to you, but it may as well be Mardi Gras to him. I’m no expert on bachelor parties, but I assume that a member of the party blowing chunks means that the night is over. Don’t nix the party at 11:45 because this guy had a third daiquiri and subsequently turned into Mt. Saint Helens.
If you don’t recognize any of the guys listed here, chances are YOU are one of the characters. Tag your friends.