You’re the bride’s aunt who drinks once in a blue moon and gets really emotional when at a wedding. You’ll probably pass over a stiffer drink for some Merlot in order to “take it easy” and will still end up drunker than everyone else. Still, you’ll have the time of your life flirting with groomsmen. Even if your husband is less than thrilled about it.
Pro Tip: You deserve this, Meredith. Loosen up and open another bottle of vino.
If you’re drinking light beer at a wedding, chances are you look very out of place in a suit.
Pro tip: Get a better fitting suit.
Signature Wedding Cocktail
Oh boy. Buckle up. This is a huge gamble. This all depends on the preferences of the happy couple. Maybe they’re cool and it’s a crowd pleaser like some margarita variation. Maybe they’re wanna be hipsters who decided to experiment with some ungodly concoction. You could be extremely satisfied by their creativity if they decided to create their own drink. Or you could rue the day Brad decided that Italian grape soda, tonic and bourbon would be a palpable drink. (“I’m not calling it a ‘Knappily Every After,’ Brad.”) Personal taste also comes into play here. If you can’t stand the taste of gin, a G & T Barcelona style won’t be a refreshing twist on an old favorite: it’s just putting lipstick on a pig. TL: Dr: wedding cocktails are risky. But you’re adventurous and dumb enough to find out, so bottoms up, you daredevil.
Pro tip: Regardless of how abysmal this drink was, lie through your teeth and tell them you loved it. It’s their day and it’s still booze.
Bourbon/ Any type of whiskey
Slow down, buddy. There’s no denying that you’re a fun guest. You bring a touch of the bachelor’s party to the reception and the wedding is better for it. It’s very important that there is only a touch of the bachelor’s party though. Your presence puts the bride in a tricky situation. For one, she suspects you of being a terrible influence on the groom. (And you are.) Likewise, your presence at this party is tricky. Every wedding needs someone to really bring the atmosphere and you certainly can do that. You’ll be flirting with bridesmaids, dancing your ass off, and cracking jokes with the bride’s grandpa in no time.
The flipside of this is that you may be TOO fun a guest. (I know, I don’t think there could be such a thing, but some Puritans apparently disagree.) Weddings are of course a blast, but it’s worth remembering that there will be families and children here. A round of Jack shots while within earshot of the groom’s mother might sour the mood. Your role in this party then is one of balance. Be a blast, but not too much. It’s the bride and groom’s union in the eyes of God and man, not a tailgate.
Pro Tip: if you’re looking for drinks that pack a punch while maintaining a veneer of class, try an Old-Fashioned, Whiskey Sour, or Manhattan. You’ll look much more suave in a suit holding a lowball glass of one of these libations than you would if you just kept pounding bourbon like it’s the end of the world.
You, sir, have figured it out. Wedding drinking is a difficult beast to tame, but you have it down to a science. Weddings are magical and as a result, everything about the reception and afterparty has to be classy. Inversely, weddings need socializing, merrymaking and dancing. While these all can be achieved without liquor, a little bit helps. This is where wedding drinking becomes a fine line. How to best be debonair while still having a ball? Gin-based cocktails provide you the answer. No one will judge you for ordering a Gin and Tonic or Martini, even though most London Dry gins are bottled at 47% ABV. The result is that you look like a sophisticated man about town, but one that is also having a good time. This pungent liquor allows you to combine the class of a yacht club regatta with the frivolity of a frat kegger.
Pro Tip: You can’t go wrong with the staples we just mentioned, but there are plenty of other great gin creations to sample if you’re trying not to be mistaken for a Bond impersonator. Try a Gin Sour, Gin Fizz, or Tom Collins if you like slightly sweeter drinks.
I’m assuming this is a pirate wedding.
Pro Tip: I’ve never seen anyone drink rum at a wedding, so I’m still assuming it’s a pirate themed wedding. At any rate, pics or it didn’t happen.
Just leave before the happy couple has to inevitably kick you out. You were probably the person the bride was iffy on inviting and the groom went out on a limb and vouched for your dumb ass. Now, he’s hearing ‘I told you so” from his now wife a full hour into their matrimonial bliss.
Pro Tip: Listen to the advice country music has bestowed upon us and pass over the Cuervo for ANYTHING else on this lift.